September 18, 2014

Elyria
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Doug Clarke: Musings on the sports world and beyond

Just becuz no one asked …
Yes, Virginia, there is still plenty of time left in the season for the Red Sox to fold — especially with Manny Being Manny deciding that a three-game series against the Yankees would be a good time to rest his strained oblique.
The Indians, bless their hearts, are getting hot at just the right time and will waltz into the playoffs — where Joe Borowski and his ballooning ERA will be the death of ’em. Jose Mesa … Bob (Stumpy) Wickman … and now Balloons Borowski. Can’t the Indians ever get a closer who actually closes the door like he means it? You know, with emphasis. As in 1-2-3 with a pair of K’s.
Don’t know about you, but Bernie Kosar and his raspy voice is wearing quite well with me. The guy knows his football and he doesn’t hold off using a hammer on a player just because he’s wearing a Browns jersey. You have to respect that.
The Browns’ quarterback derby this summer has tweaked my interest in the team. It’s not enough to make me rush out and buy an actual ticket so I can sit amongst drunken thugs, but it is enough to let my remote tarry awhile when it lands on a Browns game. For me, it’s still the No Fun League.
The Browns STILL haven’t got it right with the uniforms. The stripes on the sleeve are correct, but the stripes on the pants are dead wrong. You don’t put the weaker color, orange, on the outside so that it bleeds into the white (while at the same time making the brown look tan.) The orange goes in between the seal brown stripes. Also, I’d STILL rather see all white helmets. Real Old School stuff … like back in the All-America Conference days, circa 1949.
Not since Gussie Moran introduced white lace panties (early 1950s) has a woman actually played in the U.S. Open while showing off her under garments. That is a red slip that Maria Sharapova is playing in, isn’t it? If it isn’t, then it’s a cocktail dress. Red outfit aside, one can get mesmerized by her robotic routine after every point: Turn back to court … walk toward stands … meditate for a second … walk back to baseline … hop up and down … bounce ball with racquet a few times … tuck strands of hair coquettishly behind each ear … bounce ball twice with hand …. serve.
The biggest drawback to cable news channels — aside from providing forums for the sorry Greta Van Susterns and the Nancy Graces — is their inability to turn the page on a story and move on. Every story gets beaten to death with an anvil: The Michael Vick thing got pounded so hard that it was almost a relief when that Idaho senator who hangs out in airport bathroom stalls came along. A nifty change of pace, that.
Is it my imagination or do smarmy stories have a way of tailing right-wing religious zealots? Just wondering.
If I’m a baseball owner, I double my baseball scouts in the Dominican, Puerto Rico and Venezuela and have baseball academies in each. But I don’t have a single scout in the Far East. But that’s just me.
The morning newspaper out of Clevesburgh could have hired a young, relevant, up-and-coming columnist who shoots from the hip and has a way with words. Instead, it seemed to go out of its way to bring in an old-timer with a Cavaliers blanket over his knees and a Browns shawl around his neck. Strange. But a little boring, too.
You have to like Roger Federer’s sense of stylin’: For Wimbledon, an elegant white sport coat over his tennis whites to warm up in … For the U.S. Open, all black. He went overboard for the latter, though. The black shoes and socks make him look like the villain in a porno flick.
For me, Rafael Nadal’s clam diggers are still the cat’s pajamas. Gonna get me a pair. Just you wait ’n see.
A story in one of those New York underground papers (so to speak) has Yankees owner George Steinbrenner verging on senility and suffering from dementia. A source is quoted as saying The Boss mostly spends his days at his Tampa home, lounging around in a satin bathrobe.
In the open field, or even in a semi-open one, the Browns have to be one of the poorest tackling teams to come down the pike since the Dallas Texans in the old AFL. Seriously. The tackling in the preseason games was atrocious.
If the Browns’ tackling leaves you depressed, try wrapping your head around Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road.” Talk about a trip into Department of: “If a tree falls in the woods and no one …” LeBron James scored 39 points and the U.S. of A. beat up on Uruguay. Honest.
The National League not only has eight teams (nine if you make a stretch and count the Dodgers) that can make the playoffs, but has three legit pennant races going in all three divisions. Sadly, the Wild Card team will be one of those West of The Mississippi teams, either Arizona or San Diego.
Strange But True: The only two movies I’ve seen in the past five years where the audience in the theater broke into spontaneous applause at the end was Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” and the recent “El Cantante” with Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. Go figure.
Rounding third and heading for college football. Talkin’ Tennessee at Cal and Florida State at Clemson … Akron versus Army and Ohio State versus Youngstown State not so much.
Contact Doug Clarke at ctsports@chroniclet.com.