September 21, 2014

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Coughlin: Taking a look at the year 2018

Since this is the last time you will hear from me this year, let’s perpetuate a whimsical tradition. Here’s my view of future sports, not just next year, but 10 years from now.

January

Cavs coach, general manager and leading scorer LeBron James launches a record label called Witness Productions. Its first project is a hip-hop version of the old Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, “The King and I,” starring himself and Romeo Travis.

February

Following a two-month layoff between games, Ohio State defeats the University of Alaska-Anchorage in the BCS championship game largely because the Alaskans are blinded by the lights after not seeing the sun since October.
After holding the clipboard for 10 years, Brady Quinn makes his first start and leads the Browns to a Super Bowl win.

March

Studies show that the average American’s cable television bill is $3,000 a month with $2,950 going for sports channels such as the NFL Network, Big Ten Network and OHSAA Network.
Not understanding his line of work, the United Irish Societies honor Ryan Pontbriand as “Mackeral Snapper of Year” at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

April

The Indians open the 2018 season under new manager Barry Bonds, who Tribe president Paul Dolan says has “a good head on his shoulders.” Actually, Bonds has a great head on his shoulders since he wears a Size 14 cap — six sizes above the legal limit in 49 of the 50 states.

May

James launches a movie production company. It’s first project is a remake of the 1960s classic, “The Spy Who Came in from the Cold,” with Bill Belichick starring in Richard Burton’s original role minus all speaking lines.

June

The Cleveland Stock Car Grand Prix is run for the first time at Thistledown Race Track, recently converted into a one-mile auto race track with parimutuel betting. A pregnant woman from Brunswick takes the checkered flag in her Lexus SUV while talking on her cell phone, eating a Big Mac, balancing a Starbucks coffee on her knee and sticking a pacifier in the mouth of the baby in the car seat.
“This is easier than finding a parking space at South Park Mall,” she explains.

July

Soccer mogul Randy Lerner sells the Browns to Oprah Winfrey, the only person in America who can meet his price (except for James). She turns the Browns’ playbook into a pop-up book and promotes it as her book of the month.

August

Lee Bodden retires from football and enters public service as Airport Commissioner.
Kellen Winslow is advised to find work as a lightning rod due to titanium screws, bolts, rods, plates and wires in every bone of his body except one toe.

September

James launches a new automobile line called Witness Motors — made in China and guaranteed to be exempt from all traffic violations including speeding, traveling, three seconds, double dribble and palming the ball.
In the heat of the pennant race Bonds benches Ryan Garko — who has 72 home runs — explaining that anyone who wears a size 71/2 hat doesn’t deserve to break his cherished home run record.

October

With Garko back in the lineup, the Indians sweep to another World Series championship — which Bonds attributes to heads-up play by a heady team.
Michael Vick returns to football with Atlanta and unfortunately his first game is in Cleveland — where he is swept up into the Dawg Pound and never seen again. 

November

The big free-agent pickups pay big dividends for the Browns, whose passing attack of Quinn to Ginn means win after win. Looks like another Super Bowl for the Browns, who dedicate the season to John “Big Dawg” Thompson.

December

James establishes a private security firm to provide bodyguards for celebrity athletes which he calls Witness Protection System. His first client is Pacman Jones.
Dan Coughlin is a columnist for The Chronicle-Telegram and a sportscaster for Channel 8. Contact him at 329-7135 or ctsports@chroniclet.com.