Every voyeur in the world must be watching the Olympics because television ratings are going through the roof. Ever since the Olympics became a strip tease, people who previously paid no attention are glued to their sets.  
The guys have discovered women’s beach volleyball played in centerfold bodies and not much else. The women can’t take their eyes off Michael Phelps and the other sons of Neptune. When we weren’t looking those skinny swimmers discovered weight training. And frankly, I think everybody is paying way too much attention to the 10-year-old Chinese gymnasts in skimpy little tights. This is not healthy.
Let’s examine the world of beach volleyball. (I don’t mean that literally.) The women risk catching a bad case of skin cancer because they show so much of it. Tell me, why do the best athletes in that sport look like movie stars? Is it accident or coincidence?
I don’t imagine they hold tryouts in that sport; probably auditions. Making the U.S. beach volleyball team starts by sending in your photo. The American gold medal winners will be featured in Sports Illustrated this week and Penthouse next week.  
On the other hand, men’s beach volleyball offends our senses. The guys don’t actually wear uniforms. They wear what they slept in. They’re in shorts, tee shirts or undershirts. Some wear caps. Some are bald. Some have three-day old whiskers. Most wear sunglasses. They look like refugees from a homeless shelter.
Then there’s men’s swimming. Under any circumstances, Michael Phelps would be the singular star of these Olympic Games. Every Olympics has had a star. In 1936, it was sprinter Jesse Owens. In 1948, sprinter Harrison Dillard. Swimmer Mark Spitz in 1972. Boxer Sugar Ray Leonard and gymnast Nadia Comaneci in 1976. Gymnast Mary Lou Retton in 1984. The Winter Olympics usually featured the ladies figure skating champions such as Carol Heiss in 1960 and Peggy Fleming in 1968, although in 1980 speedskater Eric Heiden and the U.S. hockey team dominated the headlines.   
Women viewers now have their Olympic eye candy, too. Oh, yes. These swimmers with massive chests, powerful arms and wearing nothing but bikini bottoms are built like NFL linebackers but they have all their teeth and no police records. Even that French swimmer, Alain Bernard, had about a 22-inch neck that precisely matched the size of his head. I’ve never seen such a physical anomaly. I remember the French as skinny fellows with mustaches and bearnaise sauce stains on their shirts.
There is an editor at Channel 8 named Ray Justavich who always has a sarcastic observation.
“What is your problem with half-naked athletes?” he challenged me. “In the original Olympics they were all naked.”
“Yeah, but they were all men,” I said. “And women were not allowed to watch.”
I must confess, however, that wrestling naked is a bit weird. At least we haven’t come to that in these modern Olympics.
Getting back to the elfin Olympic gymnasts. They should perform in empty gyms with only their parents and judges watching. (Sadly, the Chinese gymnasts were taken from their parents at the age of 3 to begin their training.) Strangers should not be allowed to watch these children.
The Summer Games are about one Olympiad removed from X-rated status. They’ll be on pay-per-view next to the dirty movies. There actually is an equestrian event called “Dressage.” If the trend continues it will be “Un-dressage” and they’ll ride like Lady Godiva. That’s when the Olympics will be limited to pay-per-view next to the dirty movie channel. Under 18 not permitted to watch.
Dan Coughlin is a columnist for The Chronicle-Telegram and a sportscaster for Channel 8. Contact him at 329-7135 or ctsports@chroniclet.com.

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