The 70707 column …
Is this supposed to be a lucky day or something? Sorry. Just not feeling it. Feeling grumpy. Feeling that you can get on my wrong side if you …
l make me listen to “Mike & Mike in the Morning” on ESPN. Way too early to be talking that intensely about sports. Besides, do they ever disagree with one another, or do they just do the parrot thing back and forth?
l talk about the Browns before they’ve even taken the practice field in Berea in short pants for a quick roll call and a wind sprint.
l even mention the Cavs one more time to me before November — unless, of course, they trade for Mike Bibby.
l aren’t rooting along with me for Venus Williams at Wimbledon. She looks as if she’s inspired — and actually been working on her game instead of designing tennis outfits.
l don’t agree that Mark Shapiro’s heist of Josh Barfield is the best jewel theft since Cary Grant cat-footed it along the roof on the French Riviera.
l try to tell me that Mr. Suspenders, Larry King, is a good interviewer. His inept fawning over Paris Hilton was a new low in his overrated TV career. (When King worked solely on radio, he was good. Then he fell in love with celebrities, including himself, and he became embarrassing.)
l don’t like the new The White Stripes CD.
l force me to sit amongst a crowd of sweating people on a hot summer night to watch … up close … any kind of fireworks.
l are a catch-and-release dimwit.
l are one of those clowns who sit at a stoplight with your windows down, your googlephonic stereo system turned to 9.5 and the car rocking on all fours.
l talk, even for 30 seconds, about your last round of golf.
l golf. Because if you do, you sure as heck are gonna want to talk about it.
l aren’t tickled pink over the Yankees’ woes. (Just watch: Next time the Yankees are in town, half the crowd will be cheering when the Yanks get a clutch hit.)
l drive 27 mph in a 40 mph zone because you’re talking on a cell phone. See the car just ahead of you going about 30 mph and then hitting the brakes … then going 30 and hitting the brakes again? That’s me, a(*&%^.
l like the notion of Barry Bonds starting in the outfield for the NL All-Stars. I mean, what decade is this, anyway?
l suggest that the pitcher with the 12-4 record (and a 4.47 ERA) who pitches for a winning team is superior to the hurler with an 8-8 record and a 2.84 ERA who pitches for a weak-hitting, losing team.
** try to convince me that Mike Hargrove is in the same league as Al Lopez or Lou Boudreau as a manager.
** don’t think Bruce Drennan is a riot once you’ve hit the mute button.
** don’t at least give Kelly Clarkson credit for gumption for going her own way on her new “My December” CD.
** don’t agree that cable station SportsTime Ohio uses a 40-watt bulb for its lighting and has an even dimmer bulb producing their shows.
** feel that Bud Selig’s brainstorm of having whichever league wins the All-Star Game gets home-field advantage in the World Series is still a good one. Alas, the managers still play it like the exhibition game that it is. Say … Who’s the Nationals’ representative, anyway? And Kansas City’s? And Texas’?
** still nit-pick about Joe Borowski not being a Jon Papelbon. What’s a guy have to do to earn respect, anyway? As a closer, Borowski’s every bit as tough as Kyra Sedgwick. Not only that, but you can understand him when he speaks.
The following will help explain all:
On this day Eva Longoria will marry the Spurs’ Tony Parker inside a cool castle in the South of France. But did I get an invite? I did not.
Instead, I received an invite to a distant cousin’s wedding. She also will be married this day. But will this simple, private, civil ceremony be enough for her? No, it will not. She will have a bigger, non-official affair this coming week — in the south of Georgia, US of A.
Doesn’t everyone go to the southern part of Georgia in the middle of July? Did I mention that this bigger ceremony is being held outdoors? That’s outdoors in the southern part of Georgia in the middle part of July.
So that’s where I’ll be next week — standing around in a monkey suit perspiring in the July heat someplace in the deep, southern part of Georgia — watching a distant cousin get married for a second time in a week.
And here you think the seventh day of the seventh month of the seventh year of the millennium is lucky as all get-out.
Gimme a break.
Contact Doug Clarke at 329-7135 or firstname.lastname@example.org.